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What is the force that binds the stars, I wore this mask to hide my scars


December 30th, 2008

(no subject) @ 06:02 pm

I remember this one day, sometime earlier this year (May/June?), I went for this crazy, nutso walk around my parents neighborhood.  At first, I was just going to walk to Borough Hall to catch the train home, but it was a nice, balmy evening, so I decided to keep walking down Court Street...when/where I was planning to hit a train is beyond me, but I know that when my "need to walk" mood strikes me, I need to walk everything out until I'm exhausted/uninterested in walking, otherwise I'm not quite as content as I could be. 

So I walked down Court Street and made a detour onto Smith Street, mostly because it looked kind of neat from a block away, partly because I could catch the F back to the city from there.  I reached a subway station and saw that it was closed due to it being a weekend, and shuttle buses were running in its place.  So I kept walking.  By this point, the sun was on it's way to setting, and I distinctly remember walking down this busy street, a breezy Saturday evening at the beginning of summer, the sidewalk was noisy but calm, vibating with people, the restaurants were full of families and groups of friends, and I felt so alone in the middle of it all.  I remember feeling that all I wanted was to be one of those people having a good time, and feeling this dread and fear that I just couldn't be one of those people.  And I swore that one day, I would fucking march my ass to Smith Street during the summer and go to a restaurant there, and have a good time.  And you know?  I think I just might.

I'm REALLY glad that I'm past that "my life as I know it is over at 23" phase of my life.
 
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What is the force that binds the stars, I wore this mask to hide my scars