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What is the force that binds the stars, I wore this mask to hide my scars

March 30th, 2010

Five months. @ 08:21 pm

I can't believe the last time I posted was five months ago.  Seriously, I used to post here 3-4 times a DAY, now I can barely manage 3-4 times a YEAR.

Anyhow, I'm here because I can't really vent anywhere else it seems.  There's only so much I can post to Facebook, and seeing as I'm friends with EVERYONE (coworkers, relatives, etc) on there, when something gets on my nerves, all I can do is post a vague status update and leave it at that.  Blah.

So wow.  Yeah.  A whole lot going on in my life.

So my last post was about me being single.  That has, technically, stayed the same since then.  Sean and I broke up in the beginning of October (about 4 days before that last journal post), but we ended up "getting back together" before the end of the month was through.  Be it the need for affection, or familiarity, or just raw-ass sex, we couldn't even make it a month before we had resumed old habits. 

At first, I felt like I'd never see him in the same light again, since we had broken up and then reconciled - that it would just make things too weird for us to get back to normal.  And I wasn't sure what he wanted, so I just waited to see what would come of it.  Within a week or two, though, it was like old times again, and I felt as if we'd never broken up.Except, ah, technically, we WERE broken up. 

Let me preface this by saying fuck the Facebook revolution, because now it has become the be all and end all.  I think you know what I'm talking about.  Oh that's right - THE RELATIONSHIP STATUS.  Who would have thought the simple words "In a Relationship" or "Single" (or the oft-conveyed "It's Complicated") could bring grown men (and angsty grown women) to their knees?  Not me, sister.  And yet here I am, a crutch to the little words in the left-hand side of my toolbar, tell me day in and day out, reminding me (just in case I lose sight of the fact) that I am single.  Single single single.  Ugh. 

So here I am, busy here having amazing sex with a guy I care deeply about.  Going out to dinner with him.  Holding hands.  Stealing kisses on the train, and when I wake up next to him.  Texting him about the funny things that happen in my day.  But still, I am single, and it just...Doesnt. Feel. Right.  Shouldn't I be "In A Relationship"? Because thats what it feels like to me.  Feels like a relationship.  Yet, whenever the words were on the tip of my tongue, when I would be lying with him with his arm curled around me, I would go so far as to open my mouth, but not let the words come out.  Because, I keep telling myself, this is nothing but temporary.  This is here for me, until something better comes along.  Monogamously single.  Have my cake and eat it too.  But what if you keep eating, and eating, and eating, but you never get full?

I've been doing this since the end of October.  That's five months so far.  To bring this into perspective, Sean and I were together ("In A Relationship", if you will) for just under 11 months.  So basically, we've been at this half-assed hook-up relationship for just about half the length of time we spent actually dating.  Which, in all honesty, is kind of weird and annoying.  I mean, on the one hand, I would think that all of this would have gotten sorted out within the first 2 months of getting back together (meant strictly in the biblical sense, of course).

However (there's always a however), there's something incredibly liberating, if not downright depressing, about being unattached.  I don't have to worry about Sean - I'm absolved of all his bullshit and all the stupid crap he does.  What's that, he lost a bunch of money because he got robbed while he was drunk? Well I'm glad that he's okay, but I'm not gonna scold him - not my problem.  He doesn't text me back because he's still sleeping at 4pm? What the fuck ever - not my problem.  That's the beauty of it - He's NOT my boyfriend, and therefore, things don't sit quite so heavily upon my shoulders.

And yet, I've felt so empty and lost, especially in the last few months.  I've embraced my "single" title a bit tighter now, and am trying to really get out there and find someone else.  I can't deny that part of the reason I've not found anyone else is because I do have Sean to fall back on.  I mean, emotional affection is nice and all, but I'm going to be honest, I'm pretty much in it whole hog for the fucking.  If I wasn't getting fucked I would've said PEACE OUT a long long time ago.  Last time I was single, I went three months without having sex and ended up almost having a nervous breakdown.  Whether I'm a sexual addict or no, I do know this - When I don't get it, I get MAD, so it's for the best (for everyone, really) that I get some regularly.  I can't help but wonder how different things would be if Sean had broken up with me, and just stayed the hell away.  I know that id I had done the breaking up, we would NOT be back together, showing me once more that if I want something done right, I've got to fucking do it myself.  Urgh.

So yes, I've tried to jump back into dating, but it all kind of sucks.  All I do is work and go to school.  I live relatively close to both, so I don't get the chance to venture into the areas of the city that tend to house the guys I'd actually be into.  To explain it for you New Yorkers out there, since this is the only way I can describe it - I live in Astoria, but have school and work in Long Island City and the Upper East Side, respectively.  My kinds of guys tend to hang around the Union Square/Williamsburg scene.  Given where my social/personal center is, it's pretty tough to meet my dream guy. 

I've done OkCupid, but not with much success - went on a date with a guy last week, but it turned out to be a flop.  Plenty of cute guys on the site, but I feel intimidated by them all.  I've gotten so desperate (for just flat out attention, even) that I've been looking at the missed connections section of craigslist, trying to see if any guy has spotted me and fallen in love.  FYI, none has of yet, but if he does (and decides to post it to craigslist), he's probably a lunatic anyhow.

It's funny, that in all of this, this past five months, that all I can think of going on in my life is my relationship woes (I am extremely driven by love/romance, it's sad but true).  I haven't once mentioned anything else outside of such. 

So I'm still living in Astoria.  Still loving my neighborhood, and partaking in what I can.  I got accepted into the clincal phase of the Veterinary Technology program at school (48 students out of a class of 150 got in), so I've been trying to dive headfirst into that.  Still working at my job, they've been giving me more to chew on (more diverse shifts, more responsibilities), which is good also.  No pay raise yet though, dammit (pay freezes took hold in September 2008).

So I can't really complain too much about what's going on with my life - I'm healthy, (relatively) happy, and my life is going in the right direction, and yet I'm not really content right now.  Everything feels so up in the air, and I don't have the stability that I need to keep it all grounded and in perspective.  I don't have that rock, that emotional support system that I crave so much, and it's really kind of depressing.  I've talked with a bunch of people about it, and all of them have told me to quit worrying about it, and to pursue other things, and when I'm up to my eyeballs in work and school, that's when my Mr. Perfect will come along.  I'm a fan of this school of thought - for me, at least, these sorts of things always fall into my life when I'm at my lowest, and when I least expect it.

A watched pot never boils.  But even when I want to take my eyes off it, I can't.  I guess I'm just a nervous person.
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Date:March 31st, 2010 01:01 am (UTC)

Welcome back...

It is good to hear from you but I am very sorry to hear about the love situation. Hopefully you will find someone special soon.
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Date:March 31st, 2010 01:20 am (UTC)
You know, of course, that you don't have to post anything at all under relationship status. You can leave it blank. Seriously, just leave it alone and leave it blank. Also leave blank the part about "likes women" and "likes men." I mean, does the world really need to know these things about you?

If I were much younger, I'd feel similarly nervous about being wanted, or not being wanted. Fucking people most often comes with at least some degree of dealing with them before and after the fucking, so you should just keep your legs crossed until you find some guy who you not only like, but also respect, and who doesn't make you crazy. Because I'm not so young and because I've been through a lot of crazy shit, I'm more careful, and it's been only since January that I broke a 3 1/2 year hiatus of not fucking anyone, I'm very grateful for what I currently have going on with someone who's sane and not destructive toward herself, toward me, or toward anyone else.

I like you. We've been reading each other on here for at least five or six years. I remember "those" photos--and they were hot. You're smart, you're funny, and you can be just fine. Count backwards from 100 whenever you feel like fucking someone you don't really respect.
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Date:March 31st, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC)
I really can relate to this whole post, especially since my divorce was just finalized last month. The world can be a weird place when you're newly single.
Date:August 31st, 2011 11:44 pm (UTC)
you should really post here again sometime... venting and what not

What is the force that binds the stars, I wore this mask to hide my scars